Clark Griswold Maybe if You Wouldnt Feed Him From the Table

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Quotes

• Eddie : You surprised?

  Clark : Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now.

• Clark : Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.

  Eddie : [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

• Ellen : What are you looking at?

  Clark : Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

  [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]

  Eddie : Shitter was full.

  Clark : Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

  Ellen : Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

  Clark : He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

• Eddie : Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

  Clark : You really think it matters, Eddie?

• Clark : Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

  Eddie : Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

• [Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]

  Eddie : Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

• Clark : So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?

  Eddie : Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?

  Clark : Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.

  [Raises glass to his mouth]

  Eddie : Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.

  [Clark nearly chokes on his drink]

• Eddie : Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

• Clark : [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

  Eddie : Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

• Frances : [looking at Ruby Sue surprised] Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed anymore.

  Eddie : That somethin' ain't it? She falls down a well, her eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back to normal. I don't know.

  [laughs]

  Eddie : And this here's our pride and joy Snots.

  [Snots blusters a sneeze]

  Clark : Pretty name Ed.

  Eddie : [Snots puts his snotty nose on Rusty, and he makes a disgusted face] Yeah we named him that because he's got this sinus condition. Snots you roll over and let uncle Clark scratch your belly.

• Eddie : I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

  Clark : Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

• Clark : Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!

  Eddie : Save the neck for me, Clark.

  Clark : Okay Eddie...

• Clark : [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from and sees Snots choking] Hey, Ed, what's wrong with the dog?

  Eddie : [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.

  [Grotesque barfing noises]

  Eddie : He's got it up!

  [Winks at Clark that everything's okay]

  Clark : Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?

  Eddie : No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.

  [Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]

• Art : [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?

  Eddie : Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet...

• Clark : No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.

  Mr. Frank Shirley : Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.

  Clark : Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...

  Rusty Griswold : Sucks.

  Clark : Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

  Eddie : Appreciate that, Clark.

  Clark : Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.

• Eddie : [Referring to the electrocuted cat] If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.

• [talking about Snots, Eddie's dog]

  Eddie : If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.

  Clark : I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.

• Eddie : [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.

  [to Mr. Shirley]

  Eddie : You about ready to do some kissing?

• Mr. Frank Shirley : [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!

  Eddie : Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea.

  Mr. Frank Shirley : All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!

• Eddie : [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.

  [Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger]

  Eddie : It's lime!

• Clark : I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.

  Eddie : Yeah I'm excited about it too.

• Eddie : If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.

  Clark : What about the kids?

  Eddie : His kids can fend for themselves.

• Clark : [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?

  Eddie : I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.

• Eddie : Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?

  Clark : No, we missed out on that one.

• Clark : [Clark and Eddie are carrying the chair outside after the cat was electrocuted] You smell something?

  Eddie : Fried pussycat.

• Eddie : Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

• Clark : My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

  Eddie : I appreciate that, Clark.

  Clark : ...Is innocent.

• Eddie : [to Clark after they discover that the cat was electrocuted] If that cat had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097958/characters/nm0001642

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